Oneness

Hello June

I took the time to meditate for a few minutes today and found myself on another astral plane characterized by unexplainable sensations of nothingness. I entered the cosmic realm of transparency. The subtle ambient music occupying space in the background turned into nothing but wavelengths of sound. Frequencies. Vibrations. An exquisite oasis of serenity filled my heart to the brim; freedom transfused into my cells.

Oneness, oneness, oneness.

magic

Intention, focus and patience lead you to places you want to be. The Universe is our medium, guide and support; our bubble for manifestation of infinite realities, possibilities. Visions that transpose into tactile forms that we can see, feel and touch. It is the power of dreaming and free falling that take us to where we want to go.

flutterblossom

To my surprise were a plethora of butterflies frolicking about the cherry blossom. I joined the gathering of petals and wings, beneath the umbrella of soft pink blooms.

thoughts and observations on a sunny afternoon

The breeze blowing through my hair, through the trees, through blades of grass, through anything that will move to and fro, wax and wane, ebb and flow
last season leaves and twigs gently roll
bright orange petals
colourful efflorescence
a bird flies overhead faster than sound
birds chirping up in the rafters, up in the trees,
above my head they dance
to my left a group of noisy birds playing on branches
so close I can hear the flutter of their wings
illuminates the stillness
a crow in the distance
the sun beating on my skin
the sky is the bluest shade of blue
silence breaks with the heavy gust of wind, sound of rushing air
as it passes silence ensues

I'm at peace
I'm One
I can feel the inter-connectedness
I feel whole
I feel connected
I feel light
the tall pines remind me of northern winters
and the bare elms remind me it's only the beginning of blooming
I like all the colours that nature bears - they're crisp, real, pure
I have all those colours within me for I am nature
just a fragment of the cosmos
I love how it feels when the wind blows around me
I feel engulfed, embraced, entranced
I feel welcome and included
Just another form of energy not created nor destroyed
only transformed
always eternal though I don't know how

I feel... comfortable.

peaceful.

I like sitting on the grass
I feel all the elements around me -
ether, air, fire, water, earth
it makes so much sense but not really at all
the earth beneath me, the moist soil, the fiery sun sparkling
the gusting wind and everything of existence occupying the space that surrounds me, my physical body, between my organs and cells and atoms is this silent space of nothingness.
I can feel the eternal essence
perpetual existence, transcending the illusion of time
for time is nothing
and now is what there is
with all its entities, sounds, smells, cosmic fragments of this reality. One of many. Infinite realities. Infinite dimensions.
Finite comprehension but infinite possibilities.

I feel infinite right now.
I love this sun on me, I feel like how I should
wondering quietly, what is wind? how did the universe originate?
is originate even the appropriate word?
I lay down on my back gazing upwards
two birds soar steadily high up above, parallel to eachother, beneath the blue
a mourning dove calls, pleasant describes this.

The earth is moving too fast
rooftops cloaking the sun
I don't want to lose these rays
they're fueling my satiety

A squirrel appears on the fence; abrupt, agile
talking its talk
closest I've been
I can see it so clear my idea of them was different
I can see the details of its fur
looks like a rat
It looks at me
Is it going to attack me?
I release the fear and observe instead

Deep, deep, deep breath in
smells like fresh air
a stretch
and an exhale
slow deep breaths of cool zephyr
healing my body
relaxing my mind
soothing my soul
renewing my spirit

change

Spring represents renewal. Cleansing, simplifying, changing, letting go. That's what my life has been all about the past little while since I decided I've been going through a mid-life crisis. Mid-life crises are when everything in your life gets turned upside down so you start to change everything. This happened to me once.

Letting go is a major one for me. There are so so so many attachments that I have needed to simply let go of. Expectations I had of myself, plans I made, habits and excuses I've made that I no longer wish to comply with.

I have been having extremely strong urges to do a full cleanse in all areas of my life because so many layers within myself are peeling away rapidly. In this process of change that I am going through there has been this residual stagnancy that literally needs to be scrubbed clean with one of those really tough sponges... maybe even one of those steel ones, you know those?

Detox. That's what I'm in for. That's on the list. I'm mentally preparing for it because it's coming. I want to do some form or variation of a fast. Not sure yet when or how I will carry it out but it is my intention in the coming weeks.

I have withdrawn myself significantly from my online omnipresence while I sort things out in my life. I've felt vulnerable. I want other things. I don't know what I want. I want to do whatever I want. I want to go somewhere. I want to change everything. I want a clean slate. I want to throw everything out. I threw a lot out. I don't want the same things I wanted before. I'm working on doing things I've never done.

I've been overwhelmed. I'm pretty sure I can say that I've felt nearly every emotion, especially ones I did not know existed.

release

Some flowers I found

I sat silently, cross-legged, upon the green field,
submerged in soft petals of yellow and teal.
Off in the distance a painting of sounds
I was hazily curious as I looked around.
The breeze sang through the hot sun on my skin
and I closed my eyes (just to take it all in).
Fully surrounded by essence and smell
of the pine or the elm or the birch, I can't tell.
Teardrops spilled over as I felt the infusion
fascination so clear it erased my contusions.

To my surprise came epiphanies abound
as I took a deep breath, here's what I found:
to release is to see clear-headed and free;
to surrender the urges to run and to flee.
Spacedust and starlight is of our devise
and each of its fragments come in various size.
Wavelengths of hue and vibrational queue
this brilliance inspires us to begin anew
and as we observe what exists in us here
we unleash the cobwebs of darkness and fear.

yin & yang

Challenges come at us from all different directions
even when we aren't prepared
we are offered a chance to grow
to see ourselves in a new light
to view our most cherished treasures from a new perspective
to focus harder, to walk stronger, to be braver.

I'm a pretty feminine girl. But every time I go through a really tough situation I always seem to unintentionally opt for jeans and sneakers and a firm, impervious attitude along with it. I was thinking about this the other day, how I tend to express myself externally based on how I am feeling internally. And although I don't mean to draw any stereotypical lines here, I literally unite with my masculine side when I'm feeling really bruised.

But I like it. That's how I've been feeling lately. Really tough and nonchalant. Though I'm beginning to soften again and actually the colour pink has been my newest muse these days. For the longest time I detested the colour pink. After I awoke spiritually I felt as though pink emanated a superficial, materialistic vibe, of which I was vehemently straying from. But I have been finding myself open up to it again as I actually feel rather pleasant and pretty when I'm exposed to it. I've been really wanting more colour in my life as I don't wear much vibrancy, but I don't do well in bright, bold colours. I feel best in earthy, soft tones and patterns. For the longest time I wore mostly black and gray (that's my capricorn-ness), but I've learned the importance of exposing yourself to certain colours, especially within the chakra teachings, so as to activate different energies.

I've been thinkin' about how. How things manifest in our lives even when we are deeply doubtful. How often we question, "How will this work out? How will this happen? How will this get better? I just don't see how". We can never really ever know how things in life will unfold. Logistically speaking, yes, we can plan and figure out and organize but when it really comes down to it, we can never really know every minute detail that will take place in any given situation. I think it's really important that we refrain from asking how so much. Sometimes it forms a barrier - we don't see or believe how things could possibly happen or how something in our life could possibly manifest and in turn refrain from going forward. If we just relax, stop questioning, recognize that we don't and can't always have all the answers, and just let life flow and unravel, all of the "hows" will happen.

listen

I sat and listened to the world today
the sounds that whirl through the breeze
birds remind me of summer mornings
and dew on the grass.

I made a really excellent green smoothie this morning, it was way better than the smoothies that I normally make which are usually always the same. This is my new favourite:

2 bananas
1 cup mixed frozen fruit: peach, mango, strawberry
2 large handfuls of baby spinach
1/2 cup almond milk
1 tsp hemp seed
1 tbsp ground flaxseed

storybook sunrise

Just after 7 o'clock I woke up to a peculiar sunrise. Shades of blue, purple, pink and yellow painted the sky to the east; a stormy gray to the north. I wanted to climb out my window and melt into the picturesque scenery. My mind felt as sharp as a clear water stream as I breathed in the few short flickers of beaming, beautiful sun that was cloaked behind the wildly swaying trees. The wind has been reckless all night and the sound of it made the break of day even more esoteric.

I felt like I was in a storybook. I sat and contemplated the strength of trees; how they fluidly blow about in adaptation to their circumstances, without complaint, without judgement. I admire this concept.

You know I'm feeling whole when my life is a poem.

Breakdown

I am not exaggerating when I say that over the past few consecutive weeks my life has been as scattered as a jigsaw puzzle.

It began in early January (but even in the fall a bit too) with general feelings of malaise, unease and dark clouds above my head. Somewhere along the way in mid-late January I found myself very unusually and chronically fatigued; I could not shake this strange sleepiness even when I would go to bed at 7pm. Each day I felt like I needed to go to bed at 2 in the afternoon. I was plagued with some serious sadness and my drive and upbeat enthusiasm for life was clouded beyond belief. I was the epitome of apathy. For the first time in my entire life I admitted to myself that I was feeling really depressed.

This was only the beginning.

One evening around 7pm I went out with my brother to the store and while driving I slowly began to feel as though I was going to fall asleep. Then I started to feel as though I had virtually no energy to hold the steering wheel, let alone drive. At this point I began to panic - what was happening to me? I was finally able to park and I stayed in the car as my brother ran in to get what he needed. I started crying frantically and essentially found myself having the absolute worst panic attack I have ever experienced. My legs, hands and face went numb and my right hand was all cramped up, which I later discovered occurs when you hyperventilate. I was certain that I was going to die if I didn't get help in time. When my brother came back he called my mom and her and her boyfriend came and took me to the hospital.

It gets worse.

I was mostly calmed down upon arrival at the hospital and decided I simply must be iron deficient. I was told I was iron deficient last year, my levels simply must have gotten worse. In a nutshell, the doctor basically told me I should go on medication for anxiety. I felt terribly misunderstood.

When I got home I felt awful. I felt like I was going to faint constantly, I couldn't stop crying and this depression felt a hundred times worse. The next day I got a blood test and waited very anxiously all weekend to find out the results on the Monday. They'll tell me I'm anemic, I'll get my levels up, and then I'll feel much better.

On the Monday I went to the doctor's only to be told my blood work was perfectly fine. Shit. Furthermore, I was told once again that I should be on medication for anxiety. My family doctor told me repeatedly that I have had anxiety for many years (which is true, though never like this). I felt so incredibly alone and terrified. I was trying to explain to him that something must be causing this anxiety. This doesn't just happen. But he only nodded and told me medication was the way. My refusal made him frustrated I think.

Then things got really bad.

Each following day I was in a state of severe, agonizing anxiety from the moment I would wake until I would go to sleep. I did not know what was wrong with me, which was the foundation of the thoughts stirring through my mind. I would think endlessly, "What is wrong with me? Am I going to feel like this forever?" and I would just keep digging a deeper hole of mental angst. I was constantly feeling like I was on the verge of a panic attack. My heart was beating frantically all day and my stomach was burning with nervousness. I kept referring back to the one time in my life that I endured an experience just like this, two years ago. It lasted a few weeks and went away. Comparing my experience this time to that of two years ago eased my concerns of this lasting forever.

It actually got so bad that I completely lost my appetite for a couple of days and not only for food, but the thought of doing anything made me feel extremely nauseous. This was the worst part of it. Actually, I found myself thinking that the worst part of feeling so anxious was everything I was feeling. The mere thought of going for a walk, going to school, writing in my journal, talking to my mom or even listening to music, made me feel like I was going to throw up. You name it, it would turn my stomach. I developed insomnia, too, which was an added bonus. The state I was in was the prime epitome of our primordial fight or flight response (you simply do not want to sit and read a book when adrenaline is furiously blazing through your body). Everywhere I would go I wanted to flee. Except, you see, that which I was trying to flee from was my mind. Yes, this was very uncomfortable.

There is a difference between panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Panic attacks are typically short lived yet extremely intense and anxiety attacks intensify over a period of time accompanied by excessive worry and can last for hours. What I was experiencing day in and day out were anxiety attacks. They would last for hours and hours.

For over a week or so I was having continuous anxiety, and then it began to dissipate and would come in waves or strides. I was finally beginning to gain some control of myself where I could think clearly for longer periods of time. I could even eat again. Last week I was actually feeling more like myself, which was monumental, as I was terrified of this feeling lasting forever, though I would still have bouts of anxiety. I was able to begin to help myself by using herbal tinctures such as Valerian and passion flower and magnesium supplements to relax. I discovered a wonderful tool called Emotional Freedom Technique that really decreased the nervousness in my stomach. I have also found talking things out really helped too.

Everything has just been very overwhelming.

these days

I saw the bleeding red sunrise this morning
and it infused in me
pure
joy.

Mostly these days I feel an indifference sweeping through me
an irritable, restless, negative energy
I feel like I could sleep for days
as my yesterdays 12 hour sleep told me
Raw food surely brings a high
but wasn't long before I slipped back to low
I feel in similar equivalence to the abnormal melting of snow
Is this what they call wintertime blues?

Twenty One

Birthday girl, Jan 10/2012

Today I turned 21 years old. Feels youthfully ripe, seasoned and sophisticated. I am calmly and pleasantly awaiting what will fall into place for me this year. I feel like each year is bursting with blank pages for new stories of opportunities, experiences and lessons. Even since my last birthday, I have evolved so much.

Today I am just very grateful and thankful for all of the birthday wishes I have received.

It feels as though I am and have been entering a new era. And according to the teachings in my chakra handbook, I have indeed entered a new "theme". We have 7 main chakras and in my book it says that, essentially, we go through cycles of human development and every 7 years beginning from birth we enter a new base theme, starting with root up to crown (and you always view your age as one year ahead, so as to count our time in the womb). Within those 7 year cycles, each individual year is comprised of an individual main theme, from root to crown.

This is somewhat complicated to explain (as you really need to view the chart) but my main point is that I have just completed a 7 year cycle (began when I was 15 years old... and had done two 7 year cycles before that: from age 1-7 then a new cycle from 8-14). The cycle I just completed pertains to the qualities of the solar plexus chakra (third chakra... third cycle). This solar plexus 7-year base theme symbolizes "unfolding ones' personality; assimilation of feelings and experiences; shaping one's being; influence and power; strength and abundance and wisdom growing out of experience". Within that main theme, I just completed the last part of the cycle, the crown chakra, which denotes "enlightenment through inner contemplation; unity with the omnipresent being and universal consciousness". These themes are unbelievably accurate to how my life has developed over the past several years. Especially the aspect of inner contemplation, unity and the general shaping of my being.

So this new year that I have been entering is the 4th cycle in my life, the base theme of the heart chakra which denotes "unfolding the qualities of the heart; love, compassion, sharing, sincere involvement, selflessness, devotion and healing". Within that general 7-year theme, since I am in my first year of this brand new theme, this year I am back at the base - the root chakra. This fundamental theme denotes "primordial life energy and trust; relationship to the earth and the material world; stability and power to achieve". This primordial motif feels very akin to how I have been sensing myself becoming more grounded again since I have flown into the wild airs of spirituality. I have definitely found myself seeking some ground, with new feet... ;-) Though next year this inner motif will be under the (second) sacral chakra, and so on. My next new (fifth) cycle starts when I am 29.

I find it so fitting how I am now in the theme of the heart - compassion, love and selflessness - for this is precisely what my life has been preparing for over the past 6 weeks. As I have just taken a trip into the depths of my soul, unveiling and healing negative thought patterns, beliefs, attitudes and underlying emotions, it is compassion and love that has been my most predominant goal. I kid you not. I find it very neat that it is that theme that I have been inevitably entering and will be cultivating over the next several years...

Some interesting points from my book on this subject of human development cycles:

• A change takes place on a material level every seven years ... It is a biological fact that our bodies renew themselves every seven years (all our bodies cells have been replaced by new ones - biologically speaking, we are an entirely new person). 
• After seven cycles we have reached the middle of our lives (age 49) and have completed an entire cycle. A completely new stage of life begins with our 50th birthday ... a chance to start all over again but this time from a "higher octave" of development.
• In ages past, the number 7 was used to denote completion, abundance and (spiritual) perfection. Many cultures regard it as a sacred number
• And P.S., 7 is my favourite number (mysteriously, though, because I don't really know why - there's just something about this number that I am drawn to)

Sunshine

Sunshine on a branch

Today is a beautiful, sunny, mild, breezy day. I went outside and sat by the pines behind my house. I feel like I haven't felt the sun on my skin in months.

For the past few weeks I have been seeing the numbers 1 and 2 repeatedly. Mostly 11, 22 or 1 and 2 together. Mostly on the clock or anything digital. Not sure why I am continuously being presented with these numbers...

Hibernation & Introspection

So here I am I suppose, below zero temperatures that leave me at my laziest. Minus ten today and I can feel myself preparing for hibernation. This is the first year where I'm really viewing the winter season as a time to hide, contract and vegetate. I really don't have much of an interest for this season, only when the snow falls fresh and all is enchanted. I enthusiastically decided last week that I will make a snowman this year. I guess the only best part about winter is snowstorms, though once my birthday passes all becomes rigid and messy and last week I got ice-wind burn on my cheeks when I walked to the store.

My favourite food right now is soft boiled carrots. I just ate an entire bowl of about five of them. Thick soups, rice and tea is all I want these days and it really is befitting for how a human would respond to such weather. I just want to curl up in a ball of fleece and flannel and read a book. It really isn't natural to be living in this part of the world I'm sure, for we'd die if it weren't for these houses. I want to live in a mild geographic location with more forest and mountains and bodies of water. Now how did I get on the topic of urbanization...? I despise it so, and I just recalled now a dream I had last night of a dear nature conservancy in my town that got demolished for a sports recreation center. What? I think I woke up really angry.

I am on holidays for one more week and I am just finishing up my last introspective piece for my Psychology of Disease class, an energy medicine course. Man this has been a very deep journey and I am just rounding up the finishing edges on what chakras of mine are imbalanced, why and what corresponding organs are being affected. So the journey continues - on to more healing!

2012 ~

A windy, rainy walk by the lake this afternoon~

Happy January!  First day of the brand new 2012th year. It feels magic. I know, I know, it is just another day born of the continuous cycle of day and night (and there are so many different kinds of calendars), but, nonetheless, January actually feels spellbound by mystical magicalness like fog and mist and snow and the deep hue of sapphire. Also this is the month of my birthday. I have exciting things to discuss about that topic, at a later date.

So last year on January 1st of 2011, I went for a walk by the lake. And I will never forget it because it was probably one of the most (or the number one most) breathtakingly mesmerizing walks of my life. The air was still, no sensation whatsoever of a blowing breeze; there was a thick misty fog all around because of the unusually mild temperature. There was a gentle sprinkling mist, and I took my umbrella down. As I approached the lake I actually cried. Yes. Simply because I could not contain the absolute joy and peace I was feeling, emotionally and energetically upon experiencing such beauty in the natural world. I blogged about this experience here.

I have been awaiting this new year day to seek out that same experience, with the same mild humidity and mist. I went for a walk by the lake today, and although it was beautiful as always, it was also pouring and windy and the icicle raindrops were soaking me from head to toe. Let's just say it wasn't exactly as mesmerizing as last year ;-)

I am so excited about this new year. New possibilities and experiences and stories and more flowing along this river of life. My affirmation for this year is trust and my theme is compassion.

Right after midnight last night I ran outside. And stood there. Yeah. That's right. It was awesome.

create

Life feels hard sometimes
except it isn't,
for it is precisely what we make it.
Where I am right now
is where I lead myself
and the feelings that come along
with each perpetual destination
that is here and now
are dust
that blow
in the breeze.

What does it mean,
To have a life that is of what you make it?
What does it mean,
To create your life?
The thoughts you plant
the feelings that grow
the actions you harvest
become the life you manifest.

It is all up to you
where you go
what you see
what you choose.

What do you want?
What are you thinking?
What are you feeling?
What are you doing?
What life are you living?
What life are you living?
What life are you living?
What life are you living?

It's up
to
you.

these are a few of my favourite things...

Good evening!
I have been very quiet on here, for a number of reasons. I have felt the need to withdraw myself quite a bit as I seem to have undergone a process of some sort. A process of evolution. Lots and lots and lots of evolving indeed. In beautifully difficult but very cleansing and eye opening ways. I feel, over the course of my journey, that I have peeled and peeled and peeled away a wide and diverse assortment of layers within myself that were replaced by all kinds of new perspectives and such. But at the same time, through all the peeling, there was some sticky coating of very firm new beliefs and ideas that were cold as a stone. And I have been feeling myself warm up and view my life and life in general through a whole new lens. So I have been peeling some peels that were grown from a place of fear and anger and replacing them with... lets call them... love peels. I am trying to explain something that is very hard to explain.

This year, as with others, I have felt an indifference pertaining to the receiving of material gifts. I can't think of one thing that I really need. But something, however, that I do want to share is the angel oracle cards and pendulum I did receive for Christmas. I am very keen on energy medicine and so have been very excited to use these very exciting items. Since I began learning lots on the chakras and how to do chakra testing, I made my own little pendulum with a small portable USB tied to a string... lol. My new golden pendulum is much more fitting if I do say so myself! My mom told me when she was in the shop picking one out for me, the lady used a pendulum to help guide her to the one that would be for me. And so voila, the one my mom chose was chosen very specifically!

And my oracle cards are simply marvelous, I love them so. Already I have done some very intuitive readings that have been very significant and useful for me. My mom is very enthusiastically curious about them as well!

Peace!

soulfully close

The gray sky melted into the water as
I sat by the lake today and
lost myself in thought
about the Oneness of all that is and
I felt captivated by the elements as
I studied some crystallized rocks and
smooth stones and shiny gems
in the sand below my feet and
I walked right up to the shore and
it felt like I've never been so soulfully close
to water in my life and
the dull peering sun dropped sparkles on the waves
and I felt illuminated by the view.

How 'Bout Remembering Your Divinity

Feel the cosmic energy surrounding you and all that is
Let it wash through
and within
Take a step outside
onto the planet
and feel the
divinity.

The Ultimate Spinach Salad!

I made this salad last night and it's officially one of the best I've ever made.

• a large bed of baby spinach on plate
• 1/2 red bell pepper sliced
• shaved carrot
• 3-4 diced dates (honey, medjool)
• 1/4 red onion sliced
• few tsp hemp seeds
• a bunch of broccoli sprouts (or any sprout)
• Dressing: olive oil and apple cider vinegar stirred with salt and pepper, drizzle on top

And, as always, you can add anything or modify it in any way! I would have to say that the dates really give this salad a ton of flavour and sweetness ;-D